Snowed in...Snowed under...

Snowy days have meant alot of mummy and Lani time at home...   tedious but here goes : apart from preparing food, loading the dishwasher, washing machine, dryer, hoovering, some playing with him, then cleaning up after him (and me) with bouts of TV, internet i have at least squeezed in a little poetry: re reading Ted Hughes - Birthday Letters - posthumous tribute to his dead wife Sylvia Plath..,  then   supervised a five minute painting exercise, picked up the Duplo and finally scraped moon dough off  the floor. Speaking of  Plath; with whom I have a melancholic affinity leftover  an angsty  teen hood,  i occasionally allow myself to slip back there now and again and as a result  this post is pretty depressing.
I needed to get out of the house this morning to shake off the cobwebs of the past week with a walk to get the papers and milk - we put our snow boots on and off we went to play in the snow down at Hove lagoon park. On the way back Lani got cold fingers and cried until he fell asleep right outside the front door (how do they know?), once back inside he's woken up and asking for extra spoonfuls of ibuprofen - duly administered. So this will be written with a few interruptions as he has not gone down for his midday nap yet.
So I've been feeling low lately, in fact so low that in the wee hours - when i've been kicked awake by Lani I can't get back to sleep I've had recurring flashbacks to this time last year when I still had my sister with me (we were in LA together visiting family). My thoughts unavoidably and  horribly go  to her tragic accidental death by drowning on her Greek island during a flash flood. I relive those moments of the buzzer going on my door at 7am - my 45 year old brother who i've never seen cry coming in sobbing and saying you've got to ring mum, it's Tosh....And that phone call to my mother where i hung up screaming....
Then i go on to think about death itself - i know you're probably thinking, cheery reading for a Sunday morning...but i believe writing is cathartic and it gets it out there - at least out of my head anyway and may help me or even others grieving in some small way- if you've lost someone dear then you know what I mean. I think about death, life stopping and her life and what she left behind and what she still had in front of her. Then of course my own life comes into question - what have I done with MY life? Why am I still here? Losing my sister has highlighted the meaning of life for me, how great is that? The positive people might say it can help you, my counsellor at Cruse Bereavement believes that grief is a 'gift' in that you become a deeper person and can use it in a 'transformational' way to make changes in yourself. Well it's not that great is my answer and the whole process is extremely painful and i'd swap it any day for being a little less self e(in)volved and have my sister back. But i can't , she's gone and I have to face that terrible fact. Terrifying fact. I will not see her walk in here again and laugh with me , see my son grow up, see her own sons grow up for that matter, or laugh at life, at our lives ( a common theme), our familial jokes were the glue she was the glue in our scattered highly disfunctional family. I miss being close to her. As the anniversary of her death looms I prepare for the worst.
To ease my pain apart from comfort eating, i 'comfort-watch' tv, 'Girls' is a favourite right now, just discovered 'How to Make It in America', but these shows are bittersweet as i enjoy their sassy writing, publically lauded 'uncomfortable ' sex scenes,  and can't help but feel inadequate myself and OLD -   they are about the younger generation who are writing producing and directing and fucking starring in these things...Go Lena Dunham but you put us almost 40 something careerless ladies to shame. I also like dumbing down as i've said before a fave is CBS reality shows like "I Survived Beyond and Back",  CBS mysteries and crime shows, I also drop in on Sally Morgan - Psychic on the road with Sally; this tv thing is an ongoing addiction but my counsellor says you have to do what you find comfort in doing for as long as it takes - so i still do it..
I want to believe there is another life after this one, that she is 'waiting for us', that perhaps even on a quantum level we all exist forever on different frequencies....I know dear reader but that is the kind of thing you WANT to believe when a loved one dies, I for one can't help it. I want to believe we go on, that she is now an angel watching over us however far from reality that maybe I derive comfort from it and it's better than the alternative.  On a practical level I'm also organising a beautiful memorial on Feb 6th at a small Church in Rottingdean a place she loved, many people who loved her will gather and share our love for her. A good thing and an important thing to do as most of us missed her Greek funeral as they buried her the day after she left this world and we had to fly down in bleak mid winter to that dreadful rainsoaked island....she used to call it "Shutter island" as she felt trapped there. After her divorce which was a big disappointment to her, she stayed on the island to make sure her boys could be brought up with their father in their life.This was a sacrifice on her part as  many English or foreign divorcees hightail it outta there and make a life back home. She was more than a good mother.
Saturday I spent the whole day ( in between all the above household chores and general looking after my son making  an 'A4 memorial photobook' ( a groupon deal) -I was forced to look at beautiful photos of what was a very FULL life. All the parties and children and friends on that Island, and our visits to her that I can't help but feel it wasn't always "shutter island" it was just a life and with that comes the  ups and downs that we all experience.

taken after a coffee and when first showing Lani the snow - so I was relatively cheerful.

Now that I'm 39 I sometimes succumb to the ever present 'what have i done with my life?' syndrome of competitive, materialistic anti spiritual, tv oriented (guilty) England that we live in, especially in bourgeois Hove and sometimes feel I have nothing apart from my son to show for my life. No partner and no security that i've craved my whole life.  On a bad day and this is not all the time, I feel now that in some way  my life is 'over' i sincerely cannot think it will change, i can't see it. Overweight, unhealthy I ache constantly since pregnancy and birth have left me with hypo thyroidism...a horrid disease that keeps you putting on more pounds and leaves you lethargic and depressed and virtually brain dead. As a final boot in the face I  also heard on radio 4 recently that the drugs they give you for life - 'Levo thyroxine' gives you osteoperosis during and after menopause...yay so i've got that to look forward too hahahaha it actually makes me laugh in a sort of staring death in the face way -great !!!. And usually I'm the most  positive happy person - believe me just ask my friends! I get up and drink coffee and usually have good days...you know kinda productive days - not amazing but ok where I might bake some corn bread and feel good about it !! lol you know the simple things in life keep us happy - Alain du botton the English philosopher and writer keeps prattling on about this - small pleasures - focus on them not the big ones they will over power you and you'll feel overwhelmed with inequality or inability or inadequacy and that HAPPY LIFE eludes you...just make a quiche take a photo of it and put it on FB so your friends can see you're still functioning and haven't crept under a duvet and slowly died of boredom and self hatred. And thats fine most of the time but it's when i do question where i'm going - how i'm going to get there? Is THIS it? a low wage job, making ends meet - not getting support from my son's father, living in rented flats. No career to speak of. I think losing my job has not only robbed me of financial security but also taken some of my identity too. I long for my own business, being my own boss, but doing what? I need to use my foggy brain and get something going. I reassure myself that I work part time for a low wage so i can BE A MOTHER to my son. I could go back full time but then why have him in the first place? I want to bring him up, not put him in full time child care, he might be my only child EVER so I'm determined to do this and enjoy it. Once he's at school I'll go back to work full time if i haven't created a fabulous successful online business i can do from home ! Another thing i do to keep happy is crank the music up at least once a week - and just dance with my son - we both love it and its free and makes us happy, temporarily..

Winter fun: Birthday, visit to Shoreditch and other xmas thoughts

So it's that time of year again and wow have we been busy we;v ehad Kalani's Second birthday on 12th Dec we celebrated with a Pinata, prosecco and alot of prezzies and cute friends like Conan above and Charlie and lani's cousins...lots of mummy's friends and fam too, phew it was a success ( i think) I ordered and picked up the  caterpiller party sandwiches from M&S, prosecco from Sainsburys, got his haircut at bertie and belles all by 2pm. Next year am going to OUTSOURCE his party i.e go to WESTOWS or ZT doing a party at home was VERY hard work...and tiring. but worth it for lani's face when he saw his sparkler candle on his topsy turvy cake made by my big bro Olly.

 Today was my sister Aimee's memorial for her husband Mark who she lost last year. We popped over to her lovely cafe Open Art in Rottingdean which welcomed us with the smell of mulled wine and mince pies, we made a couple of little mosaics ate some delish homemade soup (tomato, chilli and cocoanut). Then we drove to Kalani's Xmas party at his nursery. We got there late but in time for Lani to meet Santa.
At the wkd we caught the train up to Union st nr Old St to stay with Lani's Godfather Dean. We visited  Shoreditch....lani got a new coat from the lovely shop in Camden Passage "Felix and Lily"and lucky he wasn't wearing it when he vomited all over himself...and again on the train home. We also made the mistake of going to Winter Wonderland in Hyde park.....anyone thinking of going...don't , its horrible.

One thing I did enjoy was my brunch at Shoreditch house (next time am bringing my swimming things - the steamy pool in the winter sunshine looked inviting). Eggs benedict and a large latte with a view over East london and the fruit and veg markets down below. I suggested we have a go on the Boris Bikes but my companion almost spat out his fry up...noooo you wouldn't see me on one of those....oops sorry i spoke...

I think tensions are running high with xmas looming. what have we achieved this year? I lost my job, my sister, my brother in law, my cat , moved again, my relationship broke down. i think thats enough for now. I want to have a fresh start in the new year , i found a new part time job, i have gained several new friends , i've gained a healthy respect for my ability to pick myself up, brush myself off and have another go. My son is my treasure and i'm so happy i have him. I have friends who have also lost this year. My thoughts are of my sister Gabrielle who i miss terribly and am still having counselling for the loss and grief and who was with me last xmas I am just going to try and enjoy what little i can....to ease my pain i lose myself into television or crap on the internet. I like "48 hours mystery"..."I survived"....that kind of mind numbing but shocking (well mildly anyway) television I drift away from reality and into CBS reality---mmmm a much better place , it's so nostalgic and 90s  with it's out of date hair and awkward people. I get a sense of comfortable numbness....Dean showed me this wonderful "under an arch" East London pop up shop with fabulous furs and rare groove music blasting out...i so wanted the white fox jacket but i don't think i could carry that off in West Hove...maybe if i lived in Hoxton....I actually didn't Buy Anything which was amazing.

 I did shop online for 4 books ( thats progress believe me with my shopping addiction spiralling out of control). I got Oscar Wilde children's stories illustrated by P J Lynch beautifully, the Selfish Giant, The Velveteen Rabbit, The Little Prince - I already have Jumping Mouse so now my collection is complete of my favourite childhood stories.
So being addicted to DM Showbiz i notice Drew Barrymore has her "happy ending", as they call it (not to be confused with the personal masseuse kind you might find in Soho) No Drew is happily married and has a daughter, named Olive we are told and yes i for one read this kind of information every day on line. Good for her i cheer...not only is she fabulously wealthy, beautiful, has a career she has now added to this and has a v rich husband and a baby. I wonder if any of these people experience feelings inadequacy or loss... we are told   she is happy to carry her baby weight for more than a week after birth which is "news" in Hollywood...They keep showing Elizabeth Berkeley,  " a first time mum at 40!" they exclaim underneath an unflattering bum shot - she has refused to diet they say (or she doesn't give a fuck)  she looks more like a mum from around here (well not quite even here the mums are rail thin yoga freaks) but seeing Elizabeth (Showgirls) looking like she actually just had a baby is comforting for those of us who haven't bounced back into our skinny jeans aka yours truly. I'll do it when I'm ready...the mince pies, pizza and birthday cake are still the staple foods in my diet right now.

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On a more serious note from America,  we had to digest the Dreadfully Shocking news : Sandy Hook. Reading Charlie Brooker in the Guardian i totally agreed with him, i felt very shocked when i saw the news, how must those parents have felt as they ran to the school to find out if their child had been shot.An unreal scenario that we cannot imagine. Being a parent we empathise more deeply with these poor now lost souls ;the parents,  the childless are lucky to live in a 'bubble' immune to such pain immune to the worry and fear we carry with the weight and responsibility which comes hand in hand with the joys of parenthood.
But i want to end this post on a positive note, it is Christmas after all, Kalani and I cannot wait until Xmas eve when we get to see the new Raymond Briggs, The Snowman and his Snowdog....i don't care what Radio 4 says about remakes being a waste of money as they prevent new films from being made, I think nostalgia is good for us, in fact I'd go so far as to say I prefer nostalgic revellry to new stuff right now. I for one will be recording it as i'll be out at a drinks party in Hove ( i finally have a social life...am even out tomorrow night too - Lion and Lobster...woo hoo) and no i won't be leaving my son in a dog cage, he went in there willingly, i swear !

So eat drink and be merry (at least no one is watching and waiting to pap me and my size 14 bum in my lycra pants).....

visit from lulu and then Lani outside Painting Pottery Cafe, North Road, Brighton - new Whale mural

Saturday morning musing on 'hands free parenting'

Right so its 8.30am and I've got my coffee by my side, Lani is watching Mike the knight and I'm having a few moments in bed with my laptop before I get on with my day. Last Sunday was worth the trip over to Hanover to take part in Big Sunday at the Brighton Youth Centre. I put Kalani in their creche and sped around to the following workshops : Printmaking, organisational skills for busy mums,  and then enjoyed being pampered in the treatment room by uniquely you spa for my nails and a massage from lovely Lucy who works at Anahata in Brighton.  I squeezed in a healthy lunch (ever tried a beetroot pasty?) up in their canteen where the creche was and where you could just chill by letting your kid play and sit back on a comfy sofa. I also met a girl on the stairs who was doing a workshop on blogging whom i have to follow up with an email - she has some amazing ways to get your blog 'out there' and make it pretty. I'm hoping they do another Big Sunday soon, you can find it if you look at http://www.facebook.com/events/281584505278979/
   This week I started my new job at Flaming Fun, an Entertainment Agency. I've been learning how their system works by booking aerial artistes, fire shows and even had a call about some Dwarves yesterday from a my glamour puss friend Jacqui Partridge of Partridge Events - apparently dwarves are hard to come by this time of year, they all get booked up for Panto's and so it's unlikely i'll find one fr her but i will try. Its not great pay but i figure its primarily A JOB and it's local, there's free parking, its a fun business - my day is never predictable and as my new bosses are a couple with a 2 year daughter they 'get it' when it comes to childcare, parenting and juggling that with work. I was happy to see the end of my working week on Thursday afternoon though and get back to my little boy who had been almost four full days in nursery / with a sitter at home without me. It's still tough balancing my time on the laptop/phone and spending facetime with my son. I manage to give him  all i can......or do i ? I ask myself I could always give more. Which brings me to the topic of this week's blog.... My badass French American girl friend, Nancy Knezvic is giving a lecture in Washington on something like : "Iphone, Ipad, I failed at mothering: the real danger behind giving your child too much screentime"
I wholeheartedly agree with her and don't even need to look at the numerable studies she has cited to support her theory of the damage too much screentime has on children as it's a no brainer of course using a screen as a sitter is not acceptable but is it totally avoidable? In my case no , unfortunately, to get a little peace, work, do housework, write this blog I do have to rely on at least the telly to occupy him. I mentioned this worry to my friend Louise Lawrence who recommended a wholesome blog called http://www.handsfreemama.com/ I had a look and really liked her approach to being a mum (she has two daughters) and how she had changed since they were first born and she was too manic to "smell the roses". I related to that as I've found myself more 'behind the camera' than in front, snapping away trying to record my son's early life rather than 'be' in it with him. But Nancy my wise and no bullshit friend and mother of 3 warns me "NO GUILT" Annabel, absorb him  be with him but be who you are and throw away anything or anyone that makes you feel guilty or bad. I so think I give myself a hard time perhaps we all do about just how much i am giving to my son or what I could do better. Don't get me wrong I think a healthy amount of self monitoring is good but not letting myself get weighed down by self criticism is a fine line to tread and I'm assuming I"m not alone in this. I just love Nancy's 'take no fucking prisoners' attitude and wish she would write a book ! However she is too busy writing her thesis, lecturing in the US and bringing up 3 kids in rural France whilst doctoring Hollywood scripts and loving her man.....which I'm sure is not without it's daily challenges.
I did consciously think I need some one on one time with kalani after my week at work so Friday morning I found this http://www.kimbalu.co.uk/classesfaq.html a music and singing class/group over in Southwick on a Friday morning, first class was free and downstairs is a playroom and free parking (not IN the playroom outside of course it's at Southwick Community Church!!). Lani was all over the playroom so much he didn't want to join the class at 11am....But once we got started he did take part and we enjoyed singing together. ooops he's here now needing mummy time. Today we're going to the Xmas fair at the Dome cafe in Brighton....apparently they will have a xmas themed photo booth complete with naff xmassy jumpers to wear !!! that'll be our xmas card for this year !!

Our first wkd alone, me and Lani

So I'm drinking my latest blend (Brazilian) Small Batch coffee in bed, it's 7.52 am and we've been awake since 6.30 ish...it's just me and my nearly 2 year old son at home now. His daddy has gone home to NZ for a spell. After a 34 hour journey he landed safely yesterday and we've Fbkd since then he's with his family who are very pleased to see him . It has been a relief actually to just be alone with my son and yes at night I light the place up like xmas as I'm not used to being here alone but other than that I'm enjoying the peace of a conflict free zone. It's Saturday morning in case you didn't notice and we've got a jam packed wkd ahead, I purposefully booked in alot of things to do so I won't get bored or lonely. Today we going to town and later tonite i have a 30th birthday party to attend. Tomorrow is http://www.facebook.com/events/281584505278979/ Big Sunday up in Edward st, a day of pampering for mothers in Brighton. I can't wait. Then at 3pm we are going to painting pottery cafe in North st to take part in a Fundraiser for Echo a charity that helps children with heart problems.

Right now the little man is sitting on my lap fiddling with my cables and has a full nappy and a snotty nose so i will have to attend to him. i'll post photos of wkd fun

 Kalani tried on some funky 3 d glasses 

 Halloween spooky fun

 Oscar (on right of centre) won a kilo of sweets for his costume at Shoreham Rollerdisco on Oct 31st

 My Birthday cards deserve a mention love the starlings.....

 Lani in his startrite boots and halloween hand knit jumper from "grannies who knit"

 Found this ad for pyjama drama, Kalani will be signing up...

 Oscar selling his plastic toys at Stoneham park...he made £9, well done depsite the cold and not many kids around...

 The French boys made some spooky biscuits courtesy of "Open Art Cafe Rottingdean"

 The sometime 'happy' couple...

And last but not least my beautiful Chocolate cake made by "Sugardough" Kingsway, Hove, flourless and DEEELISSSHOUS

Friday

So it's the end of a busy week. I've had my sister and 3 French almost teenagers staying on and off. They have been glued to their DS's and giggling up until 11pm at night with the ipad, god knows what they're watching/playing. My sister managed to get them to read Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain for half an hour in the morning until it's time for breakfast/another trip to Sainsburys.
Kalani has enjoyed their stay so much, you can see the little cogs going in his facial expressions as he learns sooo much from them. He says all their names, Tarka, Oscar, Caeser and gives them kisses one after the other. We will miss them. One highlight was selling Oscar's plastic figuerines/pokemon and dinosaurs at Stoneham park on a cold Weds morning...they made £9 in all which was great, such good little entrepreneurs.
kalani also managed to sit on his potty in front of the TV this morning and I couldn't believe it but he actually used it !!! so we are on our way with potty training (he's still only 23 months but i'm guessing it's time).
I took him to "Pop of the tots" this week at the Holland Road Church in Hove, monday 9am til 9.30am or 10am til 10.30am (busier class) and he loves it there , so glad we made the effort to get back to doing that. I've also got onto to a waiting list for "Aardvarks" at Westoes for Tuesdays 9.45am or 10.45am for a children's music class that is run by a charming American lady Emily. Can't wait to try it.
I'm still looking for work to compliment our lives and let me stay home with Lani, nothing yet but i have my feelers out there. It is hard at times as I don't want to lose touch with the world of 'work' and never get back in but i also want to absorb my son and enjoy him every moment. I do have  a problem with being stuck to my laptop though and my phone which i have to put down every now and then and 'be in the moment' with my son. V funny link to this very subject on the Guardian this morning :
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/video/2012/nov/08/david-mitchell-soapbox-living-moment-video

i remember watching Mulholland Drive and feeling v confused at the end and wanting to know why the hell there actually wasn't an ending it just stopped....so thus ruining the the enjoyment of the film in hindsight. i hope that in my own life all this leads to something worthwhile as sometimes the actual being in moment can be excruciating. what with losing my job, my baby daddy leaving next week, not getting on or not speaking to various members of my close family and friends and most of all still mourning the death of my sister. All this and more helps to give me anxiety on a daily basis. This was alleviated somewhat last night by enjoying the malaise of a twentysomething graduate in "Tiny Furniture", Lena Dunham is the new voice of this younger generation who have really not much to look forward to. But they seem to do a pretty good job of making sense of their own world/friendships and what they want to do with themselves that i applaud her for her insightful portrayal of her not always perfect life (albeit from very priviledged bohemian successful New York upper east side).
TV always saves us mothers from the brink !!!!